I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
I would like to remind you that Mike's hard lemonade only goes good with an extra light cigarette and seminal fluid.
Ive either hit rock bottom or become my own hero.
I'm so hungover that the internet is hard.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
In a cab. Towels everywhere. Confused.
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
He's pretty cool once you ignore the fact that he's trying to get into your pants
Last night all you did was whine about how you needed something new and exciting
Is THAT why I woke up with dreadlocks?
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
If you had amazing eyebrows i'd have sex with them.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
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