I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.
My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.
Elaborate
Strip Mario-Kart
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
I'd go lesbian for $50 and a good phone case.
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Thank you for being so charming, but do you have syphilis?
don't think less of me for this, but i'm pretty sure he did a line off my boob last night.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
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