I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Fourth time I had to be woken up in the line of Whataburger in two weeks. First time my shirt was free of vomit.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
Hey, scratch that. I've shit 8 times today. I don't have the energy to get laid so I cancelled my date.
Her hookup left his underwear and shorts in the dorm last night... What he was wearing when he left, we may never know.
I like how I just yelled in the window at Mcdonalds drive thru, got his number and then fucked. it was like I ordered a happy meal that only can be had after midnight.
...take a good look at your butthole.... then try matching it to any paint color on the Benjamin Moore color wheel....not gonna happen...
Dad is celebrating turning 45 by being drunk in a department store before two o'clock.
Sean just lit a cig with his taser..... I am in awe
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Just flash them and yell "JUDGE THESE BITCHES"
Randomize
