Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.
So many issues. You honestly need help.
This conversation has now reached a level of awkward that even a passerby streaking hobo couldn't break.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
You know it was a good night when you're lying on the couch in your pjs at 4pm having a pitcher of ice water for breakfast.
Thank you. Next to bondage, soft American Apparel t-shirts are the best things you've taught me about.
When we left, you were on your third beer. When we came back to grab you, you had a pint glass half full of whiskey and had convinced the band to give you a microphone.
I'm permanently fucked. Every liquid I put into my mouth automatically tastes like fireball.
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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