I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
I just googled how to quit your job and cause a big uproar at the same time....i tell you how tomorrow goes, i'm so excited....
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I apparently took a 45 minute shower, and became best friends with his mom.
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
i hate going to her parties because i always know everyone there which means everyone knows my ex which means i wont get laid
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Already drunk, almost got in a fight with a bunch of irish chicks. And another with canadians. On my way to get a tattoo. I plan to regret this trip.
Randomize
