dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
is it customary for a bride to wear white even if she's a whore? i feel tie-dye would have been more accurate
It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?
You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
I love you more with every blowjob.
You should write for Hallmark.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance
We're you guys there last night when everyone started chanting "Nacho Steph"? Someone picked me up, carried me to the nacho cheese and made me do a nacho cheese stand.
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
If a cop comes up to me I'm whipping out my cock, swinging it around and singing the national anthem
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Maybe the "i killed someone" and "tequila makes my clothes come off" comments freaked him out.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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