It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
Dude a guy just showed up with alcohol and a bag of double cheese burgers. I think I found my future husband.
you just started pointing at the light and whispering "star wars"
I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
My printer just jammed because one of the condom wrappers I threw when we had sex in my dorm
Also, if someone could cut me off before im rolling around the yard pantsless with a 40 year old lesbian that would be awesome.
let me just inform you that suppository-ing xanax is glorious
Sure go ahead and start this 'business' with him...just don't come crying to me when you have to fake your own death in two years
Can we just get drunk and watch the Birdcage please I have no tolerance for straight men today
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
That's because I've spent the past 21 years convincing my parents the only emotions I have are sarcasm and bitterness.
I'll start cleaning the house tonight darlin. So you don't have to fuck your two boytoys in the driveway the next two days.
This is very awkward but where is my dildo, Mom
I woke up alone, naked in her bed staring at a lifesize poster of edward cullen,actually I'm lying I did have socks on
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