I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat
I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.
soo how bad was i last night?
licking sour cream off of the table at pancheros bad.
OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO
You know it's nice having a girlfriend who will lotion your balls for you
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I like that you're Jewish, because you can rail me on Christmas Eve and it won't be weird.
Seriously? You DON'T remember putting all those Swedish fish in the waffle iron b/c you wanted "One big Swedish fish?" That waffle iron was a wedding gift.
THIS IS A TERRIBLE REWARD FOR NOT GETTING PREGNANT.
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Nothing is more confusing than dreaming about being chased by jets, then waking up with an erection.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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