He toold me that when we were younger I was his boner buddy.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
At least you didnt end up topless in a Tina Turner wig singing cabaret tunes
I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
fun fact of the day: the man setting up my checking account at my bank has thrown up on my front lawn.
The things happening in my intestines right now should only ever happen at truck stops and frat houses.
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
Halfway through the night I was hiding in a trashcan. Then I "sobered" up and ran around the house throwing change because I wanted to make my last moments of 2013 charitable.
You started crawling towards a moving train. Maybe you should take it easy next time
Man I sound like a slutty Mormon
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
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