My liver just broke up with me...
So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo
there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store
my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
I was high enough to think that mac-n-cheese w/ ketchup, tortilla chips w/ ketchup, and milk was a fancy dinner
he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.
No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Laying on my driveway in my pajamas in the sun having my severe hangover cigarette, and the daycare house across the street is having playtime in the yard! I believe I'm currently being what's known as a "bad example!"
My manager caught me going taking a nap in an empty room. Apparently she sleeps there too.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Guuuuurrrrrl! He ate the 🌮like it contained the Covid-19 vaccine!
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