apparently i tried to put my coat in the microwave.
He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
I'm a full-grown woman and thusly I expect my sphincters to behave themselves.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
I didn't even know his name until he texted me the next day and told me I should take a plan B pill. Thanks Danny.
I just ate part of my sock, this has got to stop.
I told him to take his man panties off and take the fucking Jaeger bomb already, so no to a 2nd date
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
Randomize
