uhhh i just had a guy tell me he's seen more jam bands and done more drugs than i could err imagine. what a turn on.
my mouth tastes like poor choices
I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
Dude we need to petition the city about running buses later, none of my booty calls own cars
The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.
So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...
I let a drunk, gay man in a dragon costume motor-boat me. With his dragon head.
He showed up at my door at 3 AM wearing a Santa hat with a tiara attached.
Please don't make me ever have to hear the words "the Queen's gynecologist" ever again.
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
Hooray! My email address wasn't leaked by Ashley Madison!
I will chop off your penis
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
So you can text and rub it at the same time? Bravo.
I can do anything and masturbate, if I truly wanted to.
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Randomize
