My boss' voice literally gives me gas
I let some guy put hot sauce in my asshole for his birthday
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
Dude just read our convo. Apparently I was talking to you while I was naked. She wasn't happy about it.
Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Yes. I will keep putting the beer into my stomach and eventually the bartender will make a mistake
Just told myself the phrase "You're not THAT single" while dressing myself
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
im gonna shove his purity ring down his throat
It's 7am. I'm making pizza & watching the Matrix. I will not be bothered.
To answer your next question, yes, I'm drunk.
so i was about to call you for your birthday but then i started making out with this guy... and i feel bad but i felt like you'd understand
Ik youre sleeping but fyi its 5:32am I'm sitting in the middle of the road bra less and shoeless with boxers in my hand and no ride. Shits real crazy.
Randomize
