I went to blockbuster, where I always go when I need to soul searching
Despondent, hopeless, I decide on vantage point, because I vaguely resemble matthew fox (let me believe this, please)
It was cheaper to buy then rent, so now I'm stuck w/ a wretched hangover and I own this shit movie
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
so this was truly a case of the blacked out leading the blacked out.
Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?
Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.
...... wtf.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
If you happen to tell anybody my drunk story in the near future, please refrain from telling them about me shitting myself. People are getting the wrong idea and random people are messaging me on Facebook making fun of me for that
Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
I got inside last night via doggy door
I've covered myself in body paint in the likeness of R2D2 and I still didn't get laid. Please explain.
We keep making plans but he keeps getting arrested. Such a tease
I dont think you understand. A NOODLE FELL OUT OF MY VAGINA! I DEMAND TO KNOW WHAT YOU DID TO ME LAST NIGHT!
Hate my fucking roommates.... Seriously, who the FUCK peels potatoes in the bathroom sink?!
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
