I told her at least we still had each other. That's when she started crying.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
No like you fell onto the fence. I don't even know how you got into the fenced in area.
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I was trying to pee in the bushes and the person who lived in the house where the bushes were planted started knocking on the window to get me to stop peeing in their bushes
I keep shaking cocoa puffs out of my hair. Best Sunday Funday ever.
When and where the fuck did we get a beach ball??
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
I realized it was late, and he was my brother in humanity and another incarnation of my own life force and consciousness, so I regained control of myself, thanked him for helping me, and went home.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
my friends roomated asked me this morning if we went to mcdonalds last night and i had no idea...that is until i checked my purse and found half a mcdouble in it...
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
