im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...
wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb
i just taught a 3 year ld how to do a jager bomb, i cant wait to have kids
my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
WHERE THE FUCK IS MY ARM DO YOU HAVE ANY IDEA HOW DIFFICULT IS IS TO TYPE WITH ONE HAND
Don't worry about it too much, but I just committed us to possibly raising a kid
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
Idk if you've ever tried hysterically crying in the shower listening to Florence + The Machine but it's honestly a life-affirming experience
We blew shit up to. With a cannon.
Randomize
