Can i not drive my cunt home
my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
he thought he was parachuting out of a plane... talk about a bad trip.
You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
let's remember the whole point of NYE: to drink antisocial amounts of antisocial drinks, become incoherent, ruin a carpet, talk to a tree, wake up with head sellotaped to toilet. The where/how is superfluous, my vote goes to a cupboard and a bottle of jaeger Questions?
after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"
I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
If I had a mugshot, I would totally use it as my main picture on Tinder, just to keep it interesting.
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
Something must have happened, they started yelling truffle butter and you said we needed to leave NOW
Randomize
