Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
he used a semicolon in his bootycall text, of course he's not gonna go down on me.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
You were outside the bathroom the gay guy was puking in, screaming "IT GETS BETTER!" over and over again. Good message, poor execution.
I can't tell you details but at one point I had her pee strapped to my back in a ziploc
we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
At what point in life does one make the conscious decision to incorporate capes into everyday life? Like, as a fashion statement?
I'm not sure how to answer that. Is it a general question or one you're wondering about for yourself? Because I don't think you're there yet.
Sex should always be followed by Chinese food in bed.
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I wish my bank account would intervene on my life choices.. $200+ in alcohol in 2 weeks and a $40 McDonald's bill is a cry for help.
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I'M GOING TO FUCK AN ENTIRE ORCHESTRA AND NOTHING CAN STOP ME
The band club does not count as an orchestra
If you could not mention to him that I slept with his best friend, that'd be cool of you.
Randomize
