If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
This frat boy drinking a forty and wearing a pussy patrol shirt just ran out in front of my car. I should have used less brakes.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.
when life gives you lemons, puke and rally.
So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I wanna snuggle with you as we feed each other chipotle burrito bowls and that's just where I'm at right now
You have cats and a ten year IUD. Embrace it.
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
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