It was like if Side-show Bob had a vagina for a mouth
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Well Im currently dressed up as batman raiding frat houses for booze
Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.
She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
and then we all passionately sang "what if god was one of us" until everyone passed out in the grass
"Just cut me in half. Then take half of me home. And leave the other half here. Cuz I can't see."
Only I could host a baby shower where the cops get called.
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I can't name a single part of my body that isn't sore. Who says break up sex is bad sex?
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
Randomize
