It was like a mary poppins bag, except a sexual mary poppins bag.
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
I just signed a document stating that I would dd all summer if they would go pickup food.
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.
I may hire someone just to sell my family the drugs they keep asking me for. It's cutting into my doing drugs time.
I look like I just got gang banged and I'm wearing a Taylor swift t shirt. It's not gonna be a pretty breakfast.
Good. Need a drinking partner later. FOR AMERICA!!!
I drank enough to tranq a steed. You really missed out
I just found one of your beard hairs in my oatmeal.
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
The only words I could make out were "Dicksmash McIroncock".
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
