I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
rubbing her clit was like playing thumb war
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
All I can remember is being told by a guy named Kyle to stay in the corner until the cops left. Then waking up on a porch outlined in beer cans 8 blocks from my house. Pregaming for college.
That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I need an inhaler full of pot for all of this breathless rage.
All I've done today is make sangria and wonder what the hell I'm doing with my life.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
He came home at 2 AM on roller skates with his hair dyed pink while singing "Sweet Transvestite" and throwing glitter on all of us and everything we own. We had to call a cleaning guy.
Last time I "ran into him" I ended up with the clap and had to explain why the ladder was missing from the garage.
We're gonna start a pole dancing competition or a bar fight. Stand by for results.
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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