I am slurping my drink like I am going to the electric chair
She was so bad on top that i found myself watching a TV that wasn't even turned on
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.
I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."
Topless bubble bath with a lesbian is debatable as a gay experience.
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
If you ever "miss" working, I'm going to fist you with my hulk hands. BOTH of them.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
Randomize
