I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.
I woke up with a black eye and dim memories of announcing that i had super powers. I shoved my pockets full of canned tuna and tried to jump off the balcony. And then my boyfriend called the cops.
so you're not coming in to work today?
an unopened bag of salt and vinegar chips... probably the best thing I've ever found in my room while high.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
Omg just remembered. I tried to kidnap a dog.
ill be fine wheb you get back. I'm gunna do real world things like washing the dishes. having to perform serious tasks brings you down.
While looking for socks, I found my mothers sex toy box. Dear god I finally understand where my kinkiness comes from.
I only listened to his story about leaving the Amish community because I was hoping for a free drink
STOP SETTING ME UP WITH GUYS YOU MEET ON CRAIGSLIST
I lost half a toenail and didn't realize it. Bloody shoe shoulda been a clue.
Well my summer started by me waking up in a tube on the side of the pond this morning with 2 of my friends. So that's good..
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
nobody was home so I boiled the dildo
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
Randomize
