I just came out of my doctor's office and i look into the window and i see a guy sitting in the front seat getting head.
why are you so shocked? you live in brooklyn.
There's a girl in front of me with a see through white shirt on and her back says I suck bad dick. Fun night hun?
I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?
I want a burrito.
Truly, you are the voice of a generation.
Dude, this is like the 4th time today I've had to use cruise control for a 25mph zone. This hangover is never fucking gonna end.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
So, when I got arrested, they fingerprinted me. I'm getting my nails done right now and I'm pretty sure he's filing off my prints. Worth the $30.
When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.
Hi you snuggled with me in my bed in a maid outfit
I just want a guy who will spank me, fuck me, then take me to my office xmas party. I'd that too much to ask?
if i drink i'll go into liver failure but ok
totally worth it, dude its $1 pbr
Idk if you own a vibrator or anything but it's not smart to leave it in dad's car for him to find :/
They told him he could only pay in monopoly money and he pulls out a wad of it from his pocket... i think im in love
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