I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
i guess that's what happens when you find your girlfriend at the zoo
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
did she really think she could get into the club & no one would recognize her from 16 & pregnant???
She was crying and singing Taylor Swift on repeat. I'm never drinking with her again.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this
You know it's been a good thanksgiving when you pee all over your own hands.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
we told you you couldn't get your dick sucked because you were a girl and you yelled at us and said we were 'discriminating you'
Ok. I'm gonna smoke some weed and look at some elephants without you then.
He and his ex stood there talking about going to get Chinese food while I was half naked searching for my panties
on the bright side i found your panties and the lid to the nutella
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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