totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle
Dude, he sent me a pic of his dick. I thought dating a married man wouldn't remind me so much of high school. Seriously.
I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
And my coffee table looks like something out of Scarface
I'm sure you're still partially crippled from thar blow job on Saturday, so I understand it's probably difficult to text.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
I have a story for you. It involves waffles and getting naked with the local weatherman.
Is there a hallmark card for "could you please slide the FUCK out of my DMs"....?
He said it only counts if it ends up on the internet
He has a syndrome called asshole. And it flares up 24/7.
I have filthy fantasies involving his tongue. My vagina almost exploded while he was licking that ice cream cone.
The air taste purple.
Randomize
