I dunno... she just cried a lot and I kept sighing.
She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!
She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
Dance move was taxi-ing on the runway then taking off in a plane. All the boys wanted to beat you up cause they were like "who is this angel flapping her arms like a bird in the bar i must have her"
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
The fact that he quoted freebird as his breakup speech was a little more classy than expected
I know you like got hit by a car but do you want to come to my birthday pardi
I just smoked part of an Oreo cuz I thought it was some hash you left
i knew it was a party when i saw you sitting on the couch naked with the keg in your lap, still drinking and passing out cups
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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