I feel like my life has just been one 21 year long episode of "i shouldn't be alive"
so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator
hello competition
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't even go pee because I'm making sure he doesn't run off somewhere naked.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard
I realize my mistake but don't you dare school me in cock, young man
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
I told him that he could either pay the 10 dollars for the box of condoms or I'll make him pay for the diapers.
I informed him that we had less than 5 minutes left to live, and his first words were "I'm trying to think of a good They Might Be Giants quip"
Randomize
