nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?
Responsible fail?
dude just tell them you don't wear clothes. they'll understand
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.
I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
I hope you gays don't get too crazy after DOMA. Gay divorces aren't any better than straight ones.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
Good friends go out of their way to crop dust your ex not once but twice. I knew we were friends for a reason
I'm beginning a new chapter of my life in which our fridge will always be stocked with jello shots. I'm excited to embark down this road to fruity, semi-solid alcoholism.
It's technically 2016 but since I haven't gone to bed I'm still counting it as 2015, so I'm gonna drink all the alcohol in my house so tomorrow I can become the better version of myself that I'll be for 5 minutes.
Alas, I cannot find a male suitor sharing my affinity for sport culture who will both manhandle me and treat me with the respect a young Hillary supporter wants and deserves
Randomize
