i just checked to make sure valentines day this year was on a weekend assuming ill want to be drunk all day
hearing about your life makes me feel so good about mine
during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"
I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.
I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.
At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?
I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.
I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I'm still high with raccoon eyeliner eyes and chocolate all over my face and chest, clutching a mug of wine. Happy graduation.
Hi, my name is Ashslay and I'll be your designated shitshow.
I know you're aving fun across the room but I can clearly see you getting a handy. It's not as "low key" as she promised. Also, why are you texting while she's doing it?!
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
Wet should excavate the hamsters out of the front yard n give them a proper burial.
I just realized how terrible that was... I was drumming on your penis to a song about Baby Jesus.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
The salt made it so good this margarita is touching my soul. I swear I'm not high BUT I want elote in a cup with the insides of a shrimp taco. I think that would make my life complete.
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