im six kinds of drunk right now
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
It was horribly awesome. Its like looking at the sun, you know its bad for you but I just couldn't stop looking.
I dont understand why i cant be a wizard
-367$ and a torn scrotum.. Panama wins
You turned down sex for fried cheese??
My penis and doctor won't be happy with me, but come on. Fried cheese!
Randomize
