I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Drunk me Does not appreciate a drunk, naked you kicking me off the couch at 3am. You have a bed here, you dick
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I walked into a McDonalds at 8:30 am with a half-eaten apple and a solo cup. Never felt so judged.
It's gameday bitch. Man up.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
reason #326 why I'm still single.... my date just told me there's a little boy ghost that lives in his closet because he likes his music.
And the 'kicked out of Xmas party' trophy goes to me. 3rd nomination, first win.
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Remember how I have such good luck that it's almost bullshit?
I'm afraid to ask, but go on.
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
Randomize
