It took you an unbelievable amount of time to realize that your ass was on fire.
i'm dressed up like the coppertone baby and being hit on a guy in a monk costume. the irony is not lost on me.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
Idk. I woke up marinating in beer on my beanbag. Idk what you mightve done.
omg i met someone at the bar who sells hair feathers. that are long. saved in my phone as "haiirs deather"
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
Slowly realizing that my only incentive to bathe is shower beer
Either I'm still drunk or the right side of the bed is now the left side.
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
No. I'm laying on the floor naked. I almost made it to the shower
This could be the definition of living by yourself
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
he was spending his time trying to use emojis to court a 19 year old, I can’t really take that seriously no matter how hot a dude is
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
I think I gotta smoke less weed, I'm getting to lazy to fuck my girlfriend
Randomize
