I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
Me and my dog bond so much when im high.
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
Happy meals everywhere. I think Ronald McDonald Claus visited.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Drowning in science and also vodka. Hope you're having fun.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
Finding out you're not a mother on Mother's Day >>>
Halfway through missionary I realized I was partially laying on his sleeping dog and idk that just kinda ruined it for me sooo
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
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