i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
She looked kinda like Mario Batali?
To bright to open both eye. Get pizza and put in feeding tube so i can sleep more
I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
I clipped one of my extensions in his hair to give him a rat tail. What is my life?
guy next to me on the train just pulled out two bottles of gin and a block of cheddar. is slowly making his way through all of them.
You were drinking whiskey from a beer bottle i dont know what you really expected...
I think I just got suckerpunched by a 14-year-old.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
"Plot twist... I'm straight."
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
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