I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Found your pants. They were stuffed in the tank of the toilet.
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
I think it's awesome that you're getting shower sex advice from a Mormon.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
He changed the password on his Netflix account. The break up is official.
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Randomize
