i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
The investigator asked if we were sharing a pitcher of margaritas. I corrected him and explained that we each had our own.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
He said he "doesnt care at all, really" if I shave my legs or not. Challenge accepted.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
idk i just feel really unsatisfied. like something's missing from my life... maybe it's chicken nuggets...
Just don't have sex while watching Home Alone. It will ruin Christmas for you.
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize
