Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."
FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??
Yeah I made some freshmen feed me oddles of noodles and I passed out
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
Do you realize half our text conversations are you asking me for tit pics and me saying no?
Sex followed by chicken and waffles... Hands down my favorite morning plans. Count me in.
I'm gonna look back at these days one day and be like "damn I shoulda been turnt but I was in bed instead watching netflix"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
Statistics show that guys with slightly higher IQ scores and overly-trimmed eyebrows have micro penises. It's science.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
You left me with 12 red bulls and a bottle of vodka. What did you expect?
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