my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love
He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick
Chugged a beer while being walked to the bathroom by campus police to pour the beers out.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
Watching elf, eating a tub of ice cream, and coming to terms with the fact that I haven't had sex in 5 months. Happy fucking holidays.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
lets go to sea world and you can just hit on every guy in a wetsuit until you get lucky
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
While the cops were busting my party one of them said. O you have an Xbox? Do you play online? Whats your gamertag?....
just passed a kid drinking a beer at 2pm. clearly it's the last day of break.
Randomize
