That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
he has the hands of the vagina gods.
You have to wear the princess leia gold bikini every Sunday
I'm bringing Sergeant Single Slut out this weekend. I hope you're ready for her.
The cougar has a calendar on her wall of when she can give topless handjobs again. I pity her husband.
Made out with a mannequin all morning in cpr training, so im ready to party
My dad just told me I can't passout in the driveway after the 4th of July parade this year, again
Just used my eyelash curler to open a bottle of cider...
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
There is a guy down by the river wearing a zebra print speedo and a sombrero, with a beer in each hand, screaming "This is America bitches!"
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
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