I want a gay best friend. or apple sauce either one is fine with me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
I just saw my first passed out person, sprawled out on the sidewalk like they died. I wanted to take a pic but I thought that screamed "tourist"
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Can you work for me at 4? We might have just taken some drugs we found in the couch and... end of story
She used my 100 Ways To Cope With Stress handout to wipe puke off her face
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Speaking of dignity, who all saw me....
He’s actually a personal trainer. He said he hasn’t taught yoga in a while but the stripper prefers to introduce him as a yoga teacher
Just told my mom life fisted my asshole. She looked at me with complete understanding. I'm scared...
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