cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.
why did i save someone in my phone as corn dildo?
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.
I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
So I craigslisted sugar daddies and I'm pretty sure I found us one if you can pretend to be asian.
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
All I remember is sitting on your kitchen floor and playing with a banana like it was a viking ship.
As I was balls deep, she moaned "i can't wait to see what how hot our daughter will be". Instant de-boner
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Sometimes you wanna cuddle and sometimes you wanna get blown in the bathroom.
Randomize
