Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
watching a tv show about cocaine.. just explained to my mom why the test monkey chose coke over food
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
Because if the best sex I've ever had was with a gay guy, then God help me.
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.
Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job
Imma do me. And by that, I mean I'm going to walk across campus still drunk at 9am on a Tuesday.
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just set an alarm for 5 am tomorrow morning titled "Wake and Bake Its Christmas motherfucker"
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
We were making out and truffle butter was playing in the background. I stopped mid make out session and said, "I'm really sorry but I have to rap Nicki's part."
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
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