I just peed or puked all or around my parjibgb lot.
parking. I am not drunk
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
Oh and apparently Friday night I came home and tried assembling the Christmas tree until my mom just told me to go to bed. Blackout.
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
The bottle of Wild Turkey is empty and there is a pile of wet cement in the garage. What happened?
I just farted so loud someone came to check on me. Thought something fell in my office.
Didn't think the day of being the oldest in a club would be when I'm twenty one. Even the bouncer looked surprised when he ID me.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
We smoked a huge blunt and then laid in bed naked eating strawberry shortcake good humor bars. We have the perfect relationship.
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