oh my god I didn't know your sister was this good at french kissing
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
there's nothing like that first "just failed out of my program" beer
Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.
Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
How was it playing wingman?
I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed
This is what happens when wu tang raised you
This may be a weird question to ask someone who is 21 years old, but are you grounded?
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
Remember how we use to say "this will be the year I'll get my shit together!" And like we stopped doing that because we know that isn't happening anytime soon.
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
Randomize
