every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love
I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.
Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.
The woman in the hospital bed next to me just got diagnosed with flea bites on her vag.
Whaaaaaat? No way.
Now a discussion of pigs vs. dog as carrier.
Ripped as fuck driving to get a portrait of my cat tattooed on my arm
You just kept screaming "PLEASE YELL CORNDOG AT HIM. PLEASE. CORNDOG."
Well I have rug burns in both armpits, somehow. So yes you should have been here
It was a frighteningly large penis to say the least
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize
