Im rethinking drunk tuesdays. Also rethinking ovaries.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
I'm at a free clinic. Feel like I should cough or sneeze so it's not blatantly obvious I'm getting checked for STI's.
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
yup and then I snapped out of it and realized I was playing beer pong against a 4 year old... and losing
Do you know this guy sitting in front of us? Asking for my vagina.
HE IS. YOU SHOULD TOUCH HIS BACK.
IT IS A COURTSHIP RITUAL.
THE MUTUAL BUTT TOUCH IS SACRED.
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
