i hope your v-card owns a pair of floaties
why do my parents always seem to be having way more sex than i do?
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
He ran around the party with a broken foot/ankle with a gallon of Malibu yelling "it must rain coconut"
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Legit hope my Trump humping Brother dies of this shit so I can stop pretending to still love him.
Randomize
