somehow on my way home with matt, I ended up straddling steve on the sidewalk and polling the people walking by on whether or not we should have sex.
You know it's an interesting night when you drunkenly scream at your boss, "You'd make a HORRIBLE OBGYN!! You're hands are ENORMOUS!"
you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
all I know is I'm really rwfly really really stoned and a bunch of Korean people are yelling at me
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
He doesn't have an existential crisis after we have really violent sex now which is nice
whenever i get involved w someone i'm gonna give you their number to testify to the fact that they should not fall in love with me
OH MY GOD YOU GUYS I JUST FOUND OUT I HAD PHONE SEX THE OTHER NIGHT
Why is everyone giving me a hard time for drinking?!
Your in the library.
Randomize
