I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
I'm not really sure how I got home, but judging by this headache, i'm assuming it involved bourbon.
so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.
She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.
After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome
How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I gotta say, I do way better with the ladies than I do the men. So if it turns out being gay is a choice, then I'm going to go ahead and choose it.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
just shotgunning some tallboys in the cooler, you?
HOW DO YOU GET RAISES EVERY TWO WEEKS?!
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
Would it be inappropriate to meet you at the airport after your family vacation so I can tell you all about the amazing sex I have been having?
Randomize
